Open Your Hands.
Words, As Fruit. #02
june 1, 2021
admittedly, i am all parts eager student and stubborn learner.
anxious and…impatient.
do you read me? em. patient.
whenever i share this with someone, they get a look of shock/surprise/awe and say, “really?”. to which i usually respond, “yes, just ask OG Judy (aka Mommy).” she will, with a slight giggle, sigh, and roll of the eyes exclaim, “YES! Impatient?” and then launch into a story, to serve as example, about just how impatient i have been and can be.
about a month ago, i had the opportunity to reconnect with a girlfriend of a past life. life before this current version of myself. i have thought of her often over the years. cheered her on and reveled in her growth and the coming in to her own versions. when the moment found itself, or i found/decided the moment, i spoke my peace to her. spoke to her about why it was i distanced myself years ago, and apologized for the immaturity of the reason, and expressed my hope for reconnecting.
fast forward, she came to LA for a visit and we had one of those parked-car-therapy-session type conversations. at some point in my rhetorical unraveling she, in her soft, tender but matter of fact way, says
“isis, open your hands. you have to open your hands.”
and i was struck by and stuck on her words.
and have been stuck ever since.
the fact of the matter is, i catch myself often, while working, sitting, resting, talking, with one hand balled tightly into a fist. in the tightness there is anxiety, unease, sorrow, guilt, grief, confusion, regret, doubt and distrust (mostly of myself). i move through life daily holding these feelings, in this tight grip, and if my hands are closed i can neither release, what is nonessential, or receive, what is necessary. in this season, i feel release calling me and i know my health and healing, growth and being fully and wholly requires this.
i have prayed, long, hard, and deeply for all the guidance and support i know this life, and the intentions i have set, require.
and so,
in order to let go of what is damaging or diminishing, and to create space for what is holding and and molding me, i must be willing to let go.
i must be willing to open my hands.
- ẹniafẹ isis