Concerning Love.

Words, As Fruit. #15

I believe we concern ourselves with that which we most have, or that which we believe do not have enough of.

We concern ourselves most with what we deeply yearn for, and for many of us, our most meaningful, and long-standing work, the kind that happens internally and in private, will revolve around bringing ourselves closer to what we need on intangible levels.

I have always been deeply concerned with love. When I started writing more about love, I felt for some time that, in the way of subject matters, it was a frivolous pursuit. I understand now this feeling was more of a reflection of the way in which paradigms of love, and what we are taught about love, are narrow and finite. In reality, the multifaceted nature, and necessary role that love plays, individually, communally, and spiritually, is beyond measure. Writing about love is anything but frivolous.

Love is purposed, and profound.

We cannot do without love in the same way we cannot breathe without air.

Yes, we can get by on fragments, or lacking of love, but overtime this malnourishment impacts our makeup, effects our emotional growth and development, detrimentally changes who and how we are, our bond and connection with one another, and our connection with(in) ourselves.

Understanding, even without wholly experiencing, that there are multitudes of love, opens us to deeper, more dimensional, and connected ways of being. Love, both our experiences and reimaginations, invites us to think, act and move in a spirit of curiosity and consideration. Love keeps us open. Love keeps us attune and aware.

Loving is a skill.

While there may be certain aspects of loving we inherently know, loving is a skill, it takes lessons, and learning, practice, understanding and knowing. To be both loving and loved, requires our respect, reverence, and awe.

Love is also a responsibility, we accept it by taking very seriously our roles as love’s practitioners. Love requires that we study it, learn and explore it beyond flimsy and superficial postures, and shallow definitions.

“The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love — whether we call it friendship or family or romance — is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light.”

— James Baldwin

Love, as a word and action cannot be pinned down by a singular definition. However the ways which in which we use the word love is, “in such a sloppy way that it can mean almost nothing or absolutely everything.” — Diane Ackerman, ‘A Natural History of Love’. Too often, amidst our misunderstanding and misusing of love, we begin to believe that love is a play thing. When we play with love, or those we claim to love, we become the handlers of our own mishandling, mistreating others as we have been mistreated. This vicious cycling is emotionally and psychologically damaging. The damage often leads us to believing that love, and loving, is a kind of torment, or punishment.

One perspective on love which I have found deeply resonate comes from James Baldwin’s, ‘The Fire Next Time’.

“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word "love" here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace - not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.” — James Baldwin, ‘The Fire Next Time’

bell hooks’ literary classic ‘all about love’, served as my literary introduction to more expansive definitions, and, as hook’s describes, “diverse ideas” of love. ‘all about love’ also introduced me to “love ethic” and hooks’ “ingredients” of love: care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust and honest and open communication. It took an emotionally abusive relationship for me to learn that for some respect and love are not mutually exclusive, and care and love are not synonymous.

“To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients - care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.”

― bell hooks, ‘all about love: new visions’

Understanding love as a recipe, helped me affirm my already held belief that love, within the framework of external relationships, does and should have certain terms and conditions. ‘all about love’ also alerted me to contradictions of love — deceit, fear, abuse, force, power, neglect, dominance, manipulation.

“Abuse and neglect negate love. Care and affirmation, the opposite of abuse and humiliation, are the foundation of love. No one can rightfully claim to be loving when behaving abusively.” — bell hooks

The works of bell hooks, and a number of other writers have helped me broaden my understanding of love and loving, and how necessary it is in the nurturing of ourselves, the expanding of our lives, and the enhancement of our quality of life.

During a 1990 interview with Toni Morrison and broadcast journalist Bill Moyers, Morrison says,

“You know people say, ‘I didn’t ask to be born’. I think we did, and that’s why we’re here. We are here, and we have to do something nurturing that we respect before we go. We must. It is more interesting, more complicated, more intellectually demanding, and more morally demanding to love somebody, to take care of somebody, to make one other person feel good.” — ‘Toni Morrison: A Writer’s Work’, 1990 (time mark, 5:40)

Morrison goes on to discuss “thick” love, love that might be considered excessive and too much, a kind of love represented in her novel Beloved.

Bill Moyers asks, “How do we know when love is too thick?”. Morrison says,

“We don’t know [when love is too thick], we really don’t. That’s a big problem. We don’t know when to stop […] When is it too much, and when is it not enough. That is the problem of the human mind, and the soul. But we have to try that, we have to do that, and not doing it is so poor for the self. So poor for the mind. It’s so uninteresting to live without that. It has no risk, there’s no risk involved, and that just seems to make life not just livable but a gallant, gallant, event.”

I have always considered myself an over-lover. A result of loving, both romantic and platonic, too deeply and too many who were unable or unwilling, to give, receive, or reciprocate love in ways necessary to keeping a relationship sound. After much consideration, I have decided that I am not an over-lover. My love is thick. And thick love, regardless of those incapable of receiving or reciprocating it, will forever be deeply necessary.

“Love is a type of generational wealth we don’t talk nearly enough about". – Ken Miles.

My Mother says that my sister and I are her gifts from the universe. She thanks us, often, for choosing her, for teaching her, and for raising her well. She also says that, “we first learn our worth in the world through our families”. They are our first reflections, and definitions of love, kindness and care. My mother, as my first reflection of love, is the reason I know that love is a source, otherworldly in its power. Both in practice and in teachings, the love I know from and through my mother is one of the greatest gifts ever given to me.

Love is an eternal binding that, despite all that may be done to diminish its significance and distort its function, in effort to sever its ties, is unbreakable. Even in instances where love’s tether has been stretched and its bind has been weakened, love regenerates. Love challenges us, lifts us, fights for us, guides and nurtures us. Love helps us deepen and expand. Both armor that protects and arms that hold, love anoints and heals. Where hate, violence, and abuse divides and separates us, love gathers us, tethers us to ourselves and to one another. Love allows us to see and receive each other.

Love reminds us that we are each other.

“Love has never been a popular movement and no one’s ever wanted really to be free. The world is held together, really it is, held together, by the love and the passion of a very few people. Otherwise of course you can despair. Walk down the street of any city, any afternoon and look around you. What you got to remember that everyone you’re looking at is also you. Everyone you’re looking at is also you. You could be that person. You could be that monster. You could be that cop and you have to decide, in yourself, not to be.” — James Baldwin

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Sources:

‘Toni Morrison: A Writer’s Work’ interview with Bill Moyers

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